I was all set for today to be calm and productive. As I stood in my first period class explaining a writing project I sudden heard over the loudspeaker "Teachers, we are now at Code Red." Immediately 30 girls all started talking and running around. A Code Red is used for your standard shootings, hostage situations, bomb threats and kidnappings and intruders. They may not be standard where you are, but this is southeast Dallas. I got the girls in the furthest corner from the doors and two of the older students helped me turn out lights, cover windows and lock doors. Then began the task of keeping 30 girls quiet. We sat for about ten minutes wondering whether this was a drill or the real thing. Having spent my first two years teaching at a school where we actually HAD intruders, student riots, drugs, and weapons in class, I tend to treat all alerts as drills unless otherwise convinced. I don't give any of this away to the students, if they don't learn to take drills seriously, it could get them killed.
After the all clear came (see, I had you worried) I invited one of the safety officers at our school to come and yell at my students who were talking. Then when he left I really yelled. I think I scared some students, but it may safe their lives someday. As I was talking to the students, the question came up of what to do if a shooter, intruder, whoever actually made it into our classroom and tried to kill the students. My response was that he/she would have to kill me first. Of course they all got a little teary-eyed when they realized that I, along with every other teacher here, really mean that. (Working with a school full of girls makes for a lot of emotion. I'm not a fan of emotion :)
Now to the point of why I told you that story. Later in the day I began to get anxious (again) about some things going on at work and my inability to control them. My dad likes to say that I've been stressed out since I was three years old. He may be right, but I tend to get ultra stressed around this time of year. I worry about the fact that we have a concert in two weeks and everyone sounds horrible, I worry about upcoming competitions in which I'm required to have students compete, I worry that I really work for two people (the principal, and the fine arts director), and that there are just sometimes I can't keep them both happy. I worry that I seem inadequate for my job, or even worse; I AM inadequate for my job. As my last out of tune and playing in the wrong key students left the room after the last class, I lost it. I started crying and feeling like everything in my life is going the wrong way.
As I reached for my phone to call my Mom (I know she can't fix it, but it makes me feel better) I suddenly realized that I have reached a Code Red. I've reached the place where I can't put things in perspective anymore. I've reached the place where I suddenly cannot stand to have a migraine for one more minute. I've reached the place where nothing makes sense and I realize that I don't know the answers anymore. I've reached the place where I need to quit giggling in the dark and start treating this situation like it is real. Those of you who know me well, know that I usually push things aside that bother me and refuse to deal with them. This is not healthy. Like a gunman roaming the hallways, this could kill me. I have to learn to deal with these things.
As I sat and pondered these things, I was reminded that I have a way of dealing with stress (If only I could remember that each time). I was reminded that I have a protector. Just like I told those girls that someone would have to get through me to hurt them, I have someone to do that for me. As I thought of that, my mind was flooded with a myriad of scriptures speaking about the love and protection of God. I'm not going to list all of them, but I am going to share one that spoke the most. Psalms 29:11 says "The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace." That says it all right there. When I reach my "Code Reds" in life, which due to human nature will probably happen often, all I need to do is look to my provider and protector.
Sometimes our problems are not just work related, or stress related, or in my case, headache related. Sometimes our problems involve things that really matter, like family, friends, spiritual well being and others. The great part about my provider is that He is equally powerful in any situation imaginable. In Romans 8:35, 36-39 it say what I'm trying to say much better. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God."
This says to me that I am loved, no matter what. I am precious, protected and provided for, no matter what. Let the "Code Reds" of life come -- I am secure.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Who Is Proud of You?
I told a kid I was proud of them the other day. I got the strangest reaction. The girl actually looked scared! It prompted me to ask some of my older students a question, "Who is Proud of You?" The answers I got were both insightful and heartbreaking. Almost every student told me that no one ever tells them that they are proud of them. No one. Not parents, not teachers, not grandparents, not older siblings. Then I asked them which parent they most needed to express pride. Almost unanimously, the aswer was "my dad."
Now, this is going to be a hard post to write, because most of my life I've struggled with living up to the perceived expectations of those around me. If you know me, you know I'm a people pleaser. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes that is a bad thing.
I grew up as a middle child. For those of you who are middle children, you know that in your mind, middle child=child who is supposed to be perfect. I don't know why we feel that way. I don't know if the pressure we feel from our parents is real or imagined. I just know that we feel that way.
In my house, my mother is the one who said she was proud of us. I don't ever recall an instance as a child or adolescent in which my dad told me he was proud of me. Maybe he did and I just don't remember. Maybe it was the fact that he didn't say it for the occasions that were important to me. Maybe he was like the woman who lived in a shoe, he had so many children he didn't know what to do.
Don't get me wrong, my dad is a great dad. I remember growing up the times that he would work two jobs just to feed his six offspring. He provided for us, modeled good morals, made sure we knew about God and many more things. He just wasn't a very touchy feely guy. He also rarely told us he loved us. But I knew. I knew he was proud of me. I knew that when I quit nursing school to go to music school that his disapproval was more about concern that I would grow up and be poor (he was right, I am) than about my choices in education. I knew that concern came out of love. But still, I wish there had been more times in my life that I had heard the words "I'm proud of you" coming from my dad. Somedays I think it is mildly irrational that I still have that desire. But I'm coming to the conclusion that this is simply the way God created women.
I think that we are built with an innate desire to please the men in our lives. I think that is why we look so hard for approval from our fathers and brothers. I think that is why we try to marry men who treat us as though we were the most import thing in the world. I also think that is why the majority of these girls are going to grow up and end up in unhealthy relationships. They just want someone to love them and tell them they are important. They won't see past to the man who is using them for something else all together. Not every girl has a mother like I did to remind me that my dad loved me and was proud of me, even if he forgot to say it.
I think this is a failing that inculdes the whole family. Mothers should teach their daughters to respect themselves enough to belief they deserve the "I'm proud of you" from people. They also need to learn to be proud of themselves. Fathers and brothers need to get over their manliness, break down, and use the human language that women understand. This is a two way street. Boys need to hear these words just as much as girls, but perhaps for different reasons. I think these are words all of us need to include in our vocabulary more often.
So fathers, love your daughters and be proud of them. Don't forget to say it often. Remember that you are shaping a large part of their futures.
As a personal note, I would like to address my dad. Dad, I'm proud of you for learning to be more open with your family and to say the words that need to be said before it is too late. I love you.
For me, I'm going to start looking for something to be proud of in all my students. Someone needs to be proud of them.
Now, this is going to be a hard post to write, because most of my life I've struggled with living up to the perceived expectations of those around me. If you know me, you know I'm a people pleaser. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes that is a bad thing.
I grew up as a middle child. For those of you who are middle children, you know that in your mind, middle child=child who is supposed to be perfect. I don't know why we feel that way. I don't know if the pressure we feel from our parents is real or imagined. I just know that we feel that way.
In my house, my mother is the one who said she was proud of us. I don't ever recall an instance as a child or adolescent in which my dad told me he was proud of me. Maybe he did and I just don't remember. Maybe it was the fact that he didn't say it for the occasions that were important to me. Maybe he was like the woman who lived in a shoe, he had so many children he didn't know what to do.
Don't get me wrong, my dad is a great dad. I remember growing up the times that he would work two jobs just to feed his six offspring. He provided for us, modeled good morals, made sure we knew about God and many more things. He just wasn't a very touchy feely guy. He also rarely told us he loved us. But I knew. I knew he was proud of me. I knew that when I quit nursing school to go to music school that his disapproval was more about concern that I would grow up and be poor (he was right, I am) than about my choices in education. I knew that concern came out of love. But still, I wish there had been more times in my life that I had heard the words "I'm proud of you" coming from my dad. Somedays I think it is mildly irrational that I still have that desire. But I'm coming to the conclusion that this is simply the way God created women.
I think that we are built with an innate desire to please the men in our lives. I think that is why we look so hard for approval from our fathers and brothers. I think that is why we try to marry men who treat us as though we were the most import thing in the world. I also think that is why the majority of these girls are going to grow up and end up in unhealthy relationships. They just want someone to love them and tell them they are important. They won't see past to the man who is using them for something else all together. Not every girl has a mother like I did to remind me that my dad loved me and was proud of me, even if he forgot to say it.
I think this is a failing that inculdes the whole family. Mothers should teach their daughters to respect themselves enough to belief they deserve the "I'm proud of you" from people. They also need to learn to be proud of themselves. Fathers and brothers need to get over their manliness, break down, and use the human language that women understand. This is a two way street. Boys need to hear these words just as much as girls, but perhaps for different reasons. I think these are words all of us need to include in our vocabulary more often.
So fathers, love your daughters and be proud of them. Don't forget to say it often. Remember that you are shaping a large part of their futures.
As a personal note, I would like to address my dad. Dad, I'm proud of you for learning to be more open with your family and to say the words that need to be said before it is too late. I love you.
For me, I'm going to start looking for something to be proud of in all my students. Someone needs to be proud of them.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thoughts from my desk
I've always wanted to be a writer, in addition the thousands of other things I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, I'm grown. I haven't been to medical school, finished nursing school, discovered some really cool bacteria, flown to the moon, been to Russia or been a mother. Instead, I'm something I never thought in a million years I would be. I'm a teacher. I'm the person who teaches kids what happens when you put your second finger down on the D string of an instrument. Not glamorous to be sure, but important in its own way. What you may not know is that I have a secret mission. (I also wanted to be a spy) I have to give these kids advice on normal day to day things that could change their lives. What on earth gives me the training to do that? Back to writing, I've made a deal with a friend that we would both blog regularly, so now I'm going to write about a question a student asked me.
"Ms. Tucker, do you have children?" My answer of course was some smart aleck version of "well I'm raising you aren't I?" The student's next question surprised me. "Ms. Tucker, what is it you are looking for in a man?" Now this question is just one of the endless variations of ways to ask me why I'm 29 and still single. I hear it almost every day. But this girl was different. She is 16 and on the cusp of being a woman. For her, my answer meant everything. I thought for a moment about how to answer her. Do I give her my standard, "I just can't find a guy who can handle me?" or do I tell her the truth? There was something in her face and eyes that made me decide to be open and honest with her.
Those of you who know me well, know that I don't usually open up to strangers about the innermost thoughts and feelings that I have. But something told me to be as raw and honest with this girl as I could. I started out by asking her if she had ever made a list of the qualities she wanted to find in a man. She blushed a little and said, "maybe, but have you?" Now we were getting personal. My mom tells me that since I was a little girl, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would reply, "the mother of my children." That about sums up my deepest desires. I would give up all my hopes and dreams for the chance to be a wife and a mother. I feel like I would be good at that calling. I feel like my parents raised me with the qualities necessary for that calling. The big question is, why hasn't it happened? I've walked the straight and narrow, I didn't party and sleep around in college, I don't date people just for the sake of dating, (actually I've never been on a date.) I've done everything the right way and I'm still another year older and single. I will tell you what I told my student.
Yes, I have a list of the qualities I'm looking for in a man. It's not a set in stone list, but more of a guideline. It's not a random list either, I've carefully built this list for years based on the qualities in the lives of the men that I know. Most of my friends are married, and as an observer of these friends and their married lives I've learned a few things. First of, there are no perfect men. Second, most men have one or two qualities that are priceless to the women they are married to. So my answer to my student was this. Yes I have a list, and that list is not so very important. It would be nice to meet a man that fulfilled every item on my list, but I doubt it will happen. This is what I'm really looking for and I won't settle for anything less. I want to find a man who loves God about everything else in life. I want a man who will always do the right thing no matter what. I want a man that can look at me and see me for who I really am (demons included) and love me for all of it. Even the bad parts. I want someone who brings out the best in me and makes me want to be my best. I want someone who can motivate me to do the things I don't want to do (like exercise.) I want a man who loves children and has the heart of a father. I want a man who I respect and trust.
There are more items on my list, but I told this young girl only the most important to me. She listened and then told me there are no men like that in the world. It broke my heart to see a 16 year old who is already so jaded. If she feels like that now, is she going to spend her life settling for whoever comes along? Then she asked me, "Ms. Tucker, are you worried you will never get married?" I had to laugh because she sounded so worried about me. The truth is, yes. Sometimes I worry I'll never find that man. Sometimes I worry that I'll die alone. Sometimes I get angry at God for not giving me what I wanted. Sometimes I worry that I'm not in the right places and how can someone meet me when I'm always at work or asleep? But that is the side of Martha who sometimes worries instead of trusts. To be perfectly honest, as I get older, these things trouble me less. I'm learning to be OK with going home to an empty apartment. I'm blessed to have children all around me, both at school and with family and friends. I have a job that I love (most of the time.)
When I get worried about these parts of my life, I am always reminded that I am surrounded by children who need someone to step up and be a mother to them. Maybe this young lady I see every day needs someone to show her how to be happy just being herself. You always hear people say, "don't get married until you find someone you can't live without." I think that's a load of horse poop. I say, learn to be yourself and live with your faith and trust in God. Then, when the time comes. Marry someone you WANT to be with.
So Mr. Right, wherever you are, I hope God is teaching you the same things He's teaching me. I hope that He is developing in both of us the character and qualities that some day we will need to be together. I hope you come along sooner rather than later, but if you don't, that's OK too.
To my married friends, thank you for modeling strong and happy marriages. I've seen most of you enjoy the good times and weather the bad times, and of this I am convinced. Life is better for you because you have each other.
I hope I have that someday, but until then, I'll bloom where I am planted and fulfill the immediate purpose for my life, which is apparently to answer question from children.
"Ms. Tucker, do you have children?" My answer of course was some smart aleck version of "well I'm raising you aren't I?" The student's next question surprised me. "Ms. Tucker, what is it you are looking for in a man?" Now this question is just one of the endless variations of ways to ask me why I'm 29 and still single. I hear it almost every day. But this girl was different. She is 16 and on the cusp of being a woman. For her, my answer meant everything. I thought for a moment about how to answer her. Do I give her my standard, "I just can't find a guy who can handle me?" or do I tell her the truth? There was something in her face and eyes that made me decide to be open and honest with her.
Those of you who know me well, know that I don't usually open up to strangers about the innermost thoughts and feelings that I have. But something told me to be as raw and honest with this girl as I could. I started out by asking her if she had ever made a list of the qualities she wanted to find in a man. She blushed a little and said, "maybe, but have you?" Now we were getting personal. My mom tells me that since I was a little girl, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would reply, "the mother of my children." That about sums up my deepest desires. I would give up all my hopes and dreams for the chance to be a wife and a mother. I feel like I would be good at that calling. I feel like my parents raised me with the qualities necessary for that calling. The big question is, why hasn't it happened? I've walked the straight and narrow, I didn't party and sleep around in college, I don't date people just for the sake of dating, (actually I've never been on a date.) I've done everything the right way and I'm still another year older and single. I will tell you what I told my student.
Yes, I have a list of the qualities I'm looking for in a man. It's not a set in stone list, but more of a guideline. It's not a random list either, I've carefully built this list for years based on the qualities in the lives of the men that I know. Most of my friends are married, and as an observer of these friends and their married lives I've learned a few things. First of, there are no perfect men. Second, most men have one or two qualities that are priceless to the women they are married to. So my answer to my student was this. Yes I have a list, and that list is not so very important. It would be nice to meet a man that fulfilled every item on my list, but I doubt it will happen. This is what I'm really looking for and I won't settle for anything less. I want to find a man who loves God about everything else in life. I want a man who will always do the right thing no matter what. I want a man that can look at me and see me for who I really am (demons included) and love me for all of it. Even the bad parts. I want someone who brings out the best in me and makes me want to be my best. I want someone who can motivate me to do the things I don't want to do (like exercise.) I want a man who loves children and has the heart of a father. I want a man who I respect and trust.
There are more items on my list, but I told this young girl only the most important to me. She listened and then told me there are no men like that in the world. It broke my heart to see a 16 year old who is already so jaded. If she feels like that now, is she going to spend her life settling for whoever comes along? Then she asked me, "Ms. Tucker, are you worried you will never get married?" I had to laugh because she sounded so worried about me. The truth is, yes. Sometimes I worry I'll never find that man. Sometimes I worry that I'll die alone. Sometimes I get angry at God for not giving me what I wanted. Sometimes I worry that I'm not in the right places and how can someone meet me when I'm always at work or asleep? But that is the side of Martha who sometimes worries instead of trusts. To be perfectly honest, as I get older, these things trouble me less. I'm learning to be OK with going home to an empty apartment. I'm blessed to have children all around me, both at school and with family and friends. I have a job that I love (most of the time.)
When I get worried about these parts of my life, I am always reminded that I am surrounded by children who need someone to step up and be a mother to them. Maybe this young lady I see every day needs someone to show her how to be happy just being herself. You always hear people say, "don't get married until you find someone you can't live without." I think that's a load of horse poop. I say, learn to be yourself and live with your faith and trust in God. Then, when the time comes. Marry someone you WANT to be with.
So Mr. Right, wherever you are, I hope God is teaching you the same things He's teaching me. I hope that He is developing in both of us the character and qualities that some day we will need to be together. I hope you come along sooner rather than later, but if you don't, that's OK too.
To my married friends, thank you for modeling strong and happy marriages. I've seen most of you enjoy the good times and weather the bad times, and of this I am convinced. Life is better for you because you have each other.
I hope I have that someday, but until then, I'll bloom where I am planted and fulfill the immediate purpose for my life, which is apparently to answer question from children.
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