I told a kid I was proud of them the other day. I got the strangest reaction. The girl actually looked scared! It prompted me to ask some of my older students a question, "Who is Proud of You?" The answers I got were both insightful and heartbreaking. Almost every student told me that no one ever tells them that they are proud of them. No one. Not parents, not teachers, not grandparents, not older siblings. Then I asked them which parent they most needed to express pride. Almost unanimously, the aswer was "my dad."
Now, this is going to be a hard post to write, because most of my life I've struggled with living up to the perceived expectations of those around me. If you know me, you know I'm a people pleaser. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes that is a bad thing.
I grew up as a middle child. For those of you who are middle children, you know that in your mind, middle child=child who is supposed to be perfect. I don't know why we feel that way. I don't know if the pressure we feel from our parents is real or imagined. I just know that we feel that way.
In my house, my mother is the one who said she was proud of us. I don't ever recall an instance as a child or adolescent in which my dad told me he was proud of me. Maybe he did and I just don't remember. Maybe it was the fact that he didn't say it for the occasions that were important to me. Maybe he was like the woman who lived in a shoe, he had so many children he didn't know what to do.
Don't get me wrong, my dad is a great dad. I remember growing up the times that he would work two jobs just to feed his six offspring. He provided for us, modeled good morals, made sure we knew about God and many more things. He just wasn't a very touchy feely guy. He also rarely told us he loved us. But I knew. I knew he was proud of me. I knew that when I quit nursing school to go to music school that his disapproval was more about concern that I would grow up and be poor (he was right, I am) than about my choices in education. I knew that concern came out of love. But still, I wish there had been more times in my life that I had heard the words "I'm proud of you" coming from my dad. Somedays I think it is mildly irrational that I still have that desire. But I'm coming to the conclusion that this is simply the way God created women.
I think that we are built with an innate desire to please the men in our lives. I think that is why we look so hard for approval from our fathers and brothers. I think that is why we try to marry men who treat us as though we were the most import thing in the world. I also think that is why the majority of these girls are going to grow up and end up in unhealthy relationships. They just want someone to love them and tell them they are important. They won't see past to the man who is using them for something else all together. Not every girl has a mother like I did to remind me that my dad loved me and was proud of me, even if he forgot to say it.
I think this is a failing that inculdes the whole family. Mothers should teach their daughters to respect themselves enough to belief they deserve the "I'm proud of you" from people. They also need to learn to be proud of themselves. Fathers and brothers need to get over their manliness, break down, and use the human language that women understand. This is a two way street. Boys need to hear these words just as much as girls, but perhaps for different reasons. I think these are words all of us need to include in our vocabulary more often.
So fathers, love your daughters and be proud of them. Don't forget to say it often. Remember that you are shaping a large part of their futures.
As a personal note, I would like to address my dad. Dad, I'm proud of you for learning to be more open with your family and to say the words that need to be said before it is too late. I love you.
For me, I'm going to start looking for something to be proud of in all my students. Someone needs to be proud of them.
