I've always wanted to be a writer, in addition the thousands of other things I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, I'm grown. I haven't been to medical school, finished nursing school, discovered some really cool bacteria, flown to the moon, been to Russia or been a mother. Instead, I'm something I never thought in a million years I would be. I'm a teacher. I'm the person who teaches kids what happens when you put your second finger down on the D string of an instrument. Not glamorous to be sure, but important in its own way. What you may not know is that I have a secret mission. (I also wanted to be a spy) I have to give these kids advice on normal day to day things that could change their lives. What on earth gives me the training to do that? Back to writing, I've made a deal with a friend that we would both blog regularly, so now I'm going to write about a question a student asked me.
"Ms. Tucker, do you have children?" My answer of course was some smart aleck version of "well I'm raising you aren't I?" The student's next question surprised me. "Ms. Tucker, what is it you are looking for in a man?" Now this question is just one of the endless variations of ways to ask me why I'm 29 and still single. I hear it almost every day. But this girl was different. She is 16 and on the cusp of being a woman. For her, my answer meant everything. I thought for a moment about how to answer her. Do I give her my standard, "I just can't find a guy who can handle me?" or do I tell her the truth? There was something in her face and eyes that made me decide to be open and honest with her.
Those of you who know me well, know that I don't usually open up to strangers about the innermost thoughts and feelings that I have. But something told me to be as raw and honest with this girl as I could. I started out by asking her if she had ever made a list of the qualities she wanted to find in a man. She blushed a little and said, "maybe, but have you?" Now we were getting personal. My mom tells me that since I was a little girl, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would reply, "the mother of my children." That about sums up my deepest desires. I would give up all my hopes and dreams for the chance to be a wife and a mother. I feel like I would be good at that calling. I feel like my parents raised me with the qualities necessary for that calling. The big question is, why hasn't it happened? I've walked the straight and narrow, I didn't party and sleep around in college, I don't date people just for the sake of dating, (actually I've never been on a date.) I've done everything the right way and I'm still another year older and single. I will tell you what I told my student.
Yes, I have a list of the qualities I'm looking for in a man. It's not a set in stone list, but more of a guideline. It's not a random list either, I've carefully built this list for years based on the qualities in the lives of the men that I know. Most of my friends are married, and as an observer of these friends and their married lives I've learned a few things. First of, there are no perfect men. Second, most men have one or two qualities that are priceless to the women they are married to. So my answer to my student was this. Yes I have a list, and that list is not so very important. It would be nice to meet a man that fulfilled every item on my list, but I doubt it will happen. This is what I'm really looking for and I won't settle for anything less. I want to find a man who loves God about everything else in life. I want a man who will always do the right thing no matter what. I want a man that can look at me and see me for who I really am (demons included) and love me for all of it. Even the bad parts. I want someone who brings out the best in me and makes me want to be my best. I want someone who can motivate me to do the things I don't want to do (like exercise.) I want a man who loves children and has the heart of a father. I want a man who I respect and trust.
There are more items on my list, but I told this young girl only the most important to me. She listened and then told me there are no men like that in the world. It broke my heart to see a 16 year old who is already so jaded. If she feels like that now, is she going to spend her life settling for whoever comes along? Then she asked me, "Ms. Tucker, are you worried you will never get married?" I had to laugh because she sounded so worried about me. The truth is, yes. Sometimes I worry I'll never find that man. Sometimes I worry that I'll die alone. Sometimes I get angry at God for not giving me what I wanted. Sometimes I worry that I'm not in the right places and how can someone meet me when I'm always at work or asleep? But that is the side of Martha who sometimes worries instead of trusts. To be perfectly honest, as I get older, these things trouble me less. I'm learning to be OK with going home to an empty apartment. I'm blessed to have children all around me, both at school and with family and friends. I have a job that I love (most of the time.)
When I get worried about these parts of my life, I am always reminded that I am surrounded by children who need someone to step up and be a mother to them. Maybe this young lady I see every day needs someone to show her how to be happy just being herself. You always hear people say, "don't get married until you find someone you can't live without." I think that's a load of horse poop. I say, learn to be yourself and live with your faith and trust in God. Then, when the time comes. Marry someone you WANT to be with.
So Mr. Right, wherever you are, I hope God is teaching you the same things He's teaching me. I hope that He is developing in both of us the character and qualities that some day we will need to be together. I hope you come along sooner rather than later, but if you don't, that's OK too.
To my married friends, thank you for modeling strong and happy marriages. I've seen most of you enjoy the good times and weather the bad times, and of this I am convinced. Life is better for you because you have each other.
I hope I have that someday, but until then, I'll bloom where I am planted and fulfill the immediate purpose for my life, which is apparently to answer question from children.
