Un-parents

I started to write this post around Mother's day and decided to wait and finish it for Father's day.

While I'm all for celebrating the men and women who are parents, these holidays make me a little sad.
It seems that these days are specifically focused on the parents who have contributed genetic material to form a human being.  But what about the rest of us?  You've heard the saying "Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad."  I'm sure there is a counterpart to that saying about mothers.

You may be the best mother or father in the world, but I guarantee that you didn't do it by yourself.  Look around you.  There are teachers, coaches, aunts, uncles, family friends, Sunday school teachers, grandparents, and many, many more who support our and allow you to be an amazing parent.  Don't believe me?  Stay with your kids 24 hours a day for two straight weeks and no one else around and see how difficult your life would be.

Someone is picking up the slack from your rough days and days that you just want to hide in the closet from your kids.  Someone is not only spending the majority of the day with your children 5 days a week to educate them, but they are also teaching your child to be a responsible and kind person.  When you are not around, there is someone else answer your child's questions about how babies are made, what holds water together, and how far away are the stars.  When they are older, there is one more trusted adult to encourage your child to make wise choices, not date idiots, not get drunk and drive, to make good grades in school.  When your child fails (and they will) there is one more person who will storm the castle with you and help rescue your child.

Single parents or working parents seem to have a tendency to hold a grudge that someone else is doing this for their kids.  I promise you that even if you were with your kids every waking hour of every day, there are still questions your child will be more comfortable asking someone other than you.  Don't look at this as a slap in the face, look at it as a blessing.  There is one more person in your child's life that would do anything for them.

Sadly,  in today's culture there seems to be a stigma attached to being childless, especially regarding women.   Some people can't have children.  Some people haven't met the right partner to have children with.  Some of them had children and lost them.  I'm here to tell you that to us, none of that really matters.  What matters is that there are children in front of us in whose lives we can make a difference; even if it is small.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that we are always happy this way.  What hurts even more than the fact that we don't have our own children is hearing the snide and catty remarks from parents.  "Wait until you have children of your own."  "You'll think differently when you have your own kids."  "Your opinion doesn't matter, you don't even have kids." "You don't understand how hard this is."

Stop treating us like babysitters.  Stop assuming that we quit caring the minute we walk out the door.  Stop telling us that we know nothing about raising children.  We have plenty of other things we could be doing in our lives, but we are on this journey with you because we choose to be.

In some cases, we know your kids better than you,  especially if you have a trophy child (just for show).  In some cases, we run unseen interference between you and your child.  In some cases, all it takes is to have another adult backing you up with your kids.  In all cases, your child is just as important to us as our own child would be.

Donating genetic material doesn't make you a dad anymore than going through child birth makes you a mom.  Parenthood is sacred, and it's about the state of your heart.   Whether you are single or married, rich or poor, barren or otherwise, parenthood is about giving your time and love to someone.  It's about nurturing and comforting.  It's about learning and growing.  It's about cooking meals and kissing scraped knees.  It's about reading and storytelling.  It's about discipline and mercy. It's about innovation and practicality.  It's about being part of a child's life.

So as you celebrate the days set aside to honor you for being a parent, take a moment to thank the un-parents who always have your back and who are silently smoothing the foundation and laying the bricks to help you raise the best thing that ever happened to you.

Open Letter To The World At Large

Do you ever stop to think of how many times you hear women being referred to as "slut", "hoe", "beeotch", and much worse by Hollywood, song lyrics, literature, and just about everywhere else?  Does it bother you?  Do you ever stop to think of how often you use those terms?  Does it make you stop and think?  

Do you ever wonder why this language is reserved for women and seems to not have a counterpart in the male world?  

I wonder the same thing.  But I also wonder why those terms and the rest like them are seen as culturally acceptable.   I'm shocked and surprised not only by how prevalent and acceptable they are in our culture, but by who I hear using them the most.  It's not always men who are screaming at their wives.  It's not always guys who are mad at their girlfriends.  It's not always a rap song that you really like.  It's boys and girls talking to and about their friends.  I can't tell you how often I've heard girls and boys refer to their friends and often themselves by using this language.  I don't just mean teenagers either.  Sadly, this type of language is prevalent in the adult world among both genders.  

I have somethings I would like to say on the subject to everyone who reads this.  This is my point of view and you are in no way obligated to even respect what I have to say.  But you should :)  

Variations of these terms have been used for centuries to describe women who sell their bodies for profit.  In the Bible they were called harlots.  In Shakespeare's time they were called slatterns.  The various terms have devolved over the years until the meanings are often blurred.  The point is this, today these terms are all used to degrade women regardless of if the user understand the meaning of the word.  More often than not, these words are used in a flippant and joking fashion.  

This is the language of hurt and abuse.  These are the words that someone uses when they want to debase and degrade you into what has historically been seen as the lowest form of humanity.  Why would you ever use these words to describe yourself or those you love?  Girls, if  a guy says these words to you, he certainly isn't trying to make you feel loved and appreciated.  Guys, is the name you are flippantly calling your female friend going to make her feel safe with you?

Girls,  you need to stand up for yourself.  Don't just stand up for you, stand up for the women who can't stand anymore.  There are women so beaten and broken by the world that it is just easier to keep being abused than it is to fight back.  Don't let people treat you this way.  Don't treat other people this way.  

Guys, you want to know how to make a girl respect you?  Treat her with respect.  Want to know how to get girls to notice you?  Treat every woman you meet honorably and with decency.  Protect the women in your life, especially the broken ones.  

This is not a language that builds and supports, but one that tears down and damages.  Even if you are joking, these words still hurt.  Have enough respect for the people in your life to find better ways of expressing yourself.  Have enough respect for yourself to not use abusive and degrading language for any reason.  Better yet, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.