As I look across the room, my heart is warmed and my spirit is settled. I feel safe, content, calm, and my
heart is filled with joy. I have a peace
in the depths of my soul that I’ve never known. Every part of my being is encompassed with a love so great, there are no
words to describe it. Across the room is
the person with whom I am completely at peace, who has seen into the depths of
my soul, and who understands the essence of my being.
I don’t even know how it is possible, but it has been the best and worst few years of my life. This year marks 27 years of living with daily, debilitating migraines, and chronic pain. I am no longer able to work at this point and it takes almost all of my focus to fight the pain that is my constant companion. These last few years, I’ve watched life as I know it spiral into long days and nights of fighting for sleep, praying for relief, and frequent tears. But I’m also here to tell you that grace sustains me and the hand of God still holds me fast.
It’s commonly accepted that all little (and big) girls dream about falling in love, having their dream wedding, and then living happily ever after. There are dreams that a dashing prince or a knight in a suit of gleaming armor would swoop in and whisk one away to a life of happily every afters. I wasn't one of those little girls. I was far more interested in frogs and dirt. Growing up, my friends Annie and Abigail would come to play and we would sit and talk about weddings. Annie had a notebook with sections for each of us in which she wrote our wedding plans. There were wedding colors, flower selections, and dress designs along with bride’s maid and groom selections. My section was planned by Annie. Thank God I didn’t marry the guy she picked. As I grew up, I didn’t give any of it much thought. I wanted children, so my plan was to adopt.
By the time I was in college my interest in guys piqued. I could see the value in having that kind of relationship. But I wasn’t the kind of girl guys looked at twice. I had a lot of friends that were guys, but that was largely because if they studied with me, they passed their classes. Looking back, I realize that I began to believe that no one would ever want me. I didn’t have the characteristics that society said were desirable. I wasn’t pretty, I wasn’t charming, I wasn’t sexy, and I couldn’t flirt to save my life. I was blunt, more than a little stubborn, and determined to be my own person on my own terms. I did well in school and I had a good poker face, so everyone thought I was fine. Really, I was struggling to breathe. My family was falling apart, my older brother had just died, and my whole world was crashing down. I was desperate to be wanted and loved by someone. I needed someone with whom I felt safe. When was my Knight in Shining Armor coming to take me away on his white horse??? I needed him desperately. This desperation did lead to some bad decision making on my part during those years. But God, in His grace, protected me from any lasting consequences of those decisions. For that, I am truly grateful.
I spent my young adult years teaching and growing. I will not lie and say it was easy to be alone during those years. It was not. But I did learn the value of singleness and how to be content. I did not date during those years. At one particular school that I taught at, I honestly believe that I had more of an impact on my students BECAUSE I was single and didn't date. It was a hard lesson to learn, but the rest of the story is sweeter because of it. Following God's path is always more rewarding than following one's own.
When I
moved back to Abilene in January 2014, I had no idea how my life was going to
change. It started with a phone call as
I drove across the desert, trekking my carload of belongings from New Mexico
back to Abilene to start a new chapter of my life. I had a friend, more of an acquaintance
really, that I had known for several years. We first crossed paths a lifetime ago when I stopped by an old workplace
to say hello to friends. It was a
hurried exchange: me introducing myself in passing and him politely saying
hello. As the years passed, we
occasionally saw each other at the home of a mutual friend. We would say hello on Facebook, or briefly
chat about our lives. We had a lot in
common and although we rarely saw each other, we fell into an easy
familiarity. I don’t even know how or
why we happened to be on the phone that day. We talked about my move back to Abilene and he causally invited me to
stop by his workplace when I got into town and say hello. I don’t know what made me do it, but he was
my first stop as I pulled into town. As
we said our hellos, I was struck with his warmth, welcome, and genuine pleasure
at seeing me. He really did enjoy my company.
January turned into February and thus into March. We were spending almost all of our free time together. I was attracted to his gentle spirit, calmness, and the fact that I felt at peace around him. I was safe with him. He knew everything about me, and I was still safe. Looks didn't matter, age didn't matter, chemistry didn't matter. As I drove to work one morning, I suddenly knew this was the man I was supposed to marry. He took longer to be convinced. So I waited and prayed. In the midst of all this, my health continued to decline to the point where I had to give up my job in early July and was living in another friend's living room. I had no where else to go. I was daily plagued by doubt and fear. If we married and I still could not work, how could I contribute to our income? How would I do my God-given job as a wife if I couldn't get out of bed without the risk of falling? My biggest fear was that Clint would no longer love me when he fully realized that he would most likely have to care for me for the rest of my life. Or worse, that he wouldn't be able to say so, and just quietly push me out of his life. We got married in November of that same year. The fear and doubt followed me still.
I grew up in a multi-abuse home. This is also known as a "multi-trauma" home. It is exactly what is sounds like. In my home there was sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. I personally experienced all but the physical abuse. Having grown up this way, it sent me into a tailspin when someone offered to love me, give me a home, and take care of me. All of that PTSD from my previous life came rushing back like a dam had broken. I thought I would drown and take him with me. This continued about 8 months into our marriage. We finally asked for help from a therapist who helped us work through how we were both feeling about things. He especially helped me see that I was driving Clint away by not trusting him to love me. During all of this, Clint never stopped trying to reach me through love, gentleness, and protection. He was the culmination of Ephesians 6:11-18 where Paul speaks about putting on the armor of God so you can withstand attacks from the devil. If you really break it down, that's exactly what was happening; Satan was trying to destroy me and our marriage.
Something else distasteful arose out of all of this abuse. We already knew that we could not afford a traditional wedding. Nor for that matter did I have the strength and energy to plan one. The real problem is that the perpetrator of most of the abuse is an immediate family member. I absolutely could not have this person be a witness to my marriage, or even be in my presence on such a special day. Sadly, this meant to us (at the time) that Clint's family and the rest of my family couldn't be there either. I know that this hurt my dear in-laws and possible some of my family. For that, I am truly sorry.
We were married two years ago on Thanksgiving Day. We had the ceremony in my dad's apple orchard in High Rolls, New Mexico. My dad officiated. We wore jeans. I wore a linen top my mother in law gave me. I carried a bouquet of red silk roses and red geraniums that my aunt made. We took some pictures afterward and then had Thanksgiving dinner. It was very low-key.
Two years of marriage may not qualify me to give advice, but I think we have lived through more in two years that most couples do in a lifetime. So if you don't want to read what I have learned then stop reading here.
I have learned that building a good marriage is incredibly hard work, but it is totally worth it. I have learned that if you and your spouse communicate differently and it's not working, ask for help. We have couples counseling at least twice a month because we communicate on two different levels and it helps us speak each other's language. I have learned that the sexual activity shown in media is not at all how it is in real life. In real life it is awkward and strange at first. It takes practice. Good comes later, and really good comes even later than that. I have learned that neither my husband nor myself are mind readers. Say what is on your mind. I have learned that honesty and kindness are two of the most important ingredients for a strong marriage. Finally, extend grace and forgiveness freely. You will both need a lot of it.
Let me close by speaking to the single women who might be reading this. Go look at the title again. You might have thought that was a typo. It isn't. I want you to remember something. There are no knights in shining armor coming to take you away. But there are dark nights you have to walk through. Don't be afraid of them. They are there to help you grow. Let me say it again, there are no knights. But along the way there are men. Good men who are willing to stand up and put on the armor of God and be there for you. I found mine in God's perfect timing. I can't wait to hear your stories.
January turned into February and thus into March. We were spending almost all of our free time together. I was attracted to his gentle spirit, calmness, and the fact that I felt at peace around him. I was safe with him. He knew everything about me, and I was still safe. Looks didn't matter, age didn't matter, chemistry didn't matter. As I drove to work one morning, I suddenly knew this was the man I was supposed to marry. He took longer to be convinced. So I waited and prayed. In the midst of all this, my health continued to decline to the point where I had to give up my job in early July and was living in another friend's living room. I had no where else to go. I was daily plagued by doubt and fear. If we married and I still could not work, how could I contribute to our income? How would I do my God-given job as a wife if I couldn't get out of bed without the risk of falling? My biggest fear was that Clint would no longer love me when he fully realized that he would most likely have to care for me for the rest of my life. Or worse, that he wouldn't be able to say so, and just quietly push me out of his life. We got married in November of that same year. The fear and doubt followed me still.
I grew up in a multi-abuse home. This is also known as a "multi-trauma" home. It is exactly what is sounds like. In my home there was sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. I personally experienced all but the physical abuse. Having grown up this way, it sent me into a tailspin when someone offered to love me, give me a home, and take care of me. All of that PTSD from my previous life came rushing back like a dam had broken. I thought I would drown and take him with me. This continued about 8 months into our marriage. We finally asked for help from a therapist who helped us work through how we were both feeling about things. He especially helped me see that I was driving Clint away by not trusting him to love me. During all of this, Clint never stopped trying to reach me through love, gentleness, and protection. He was the culmination of Ephesians 6:11-18 where Paul speaks about putting on the armor of God so you can withstand attacks from the devil. If you really break it down, that's exactly what was happening; Satan was trying to destroy me and our marriage.
Something else distasteful arose out of all of this abuse. We already knew that we could not afford a traditional wedding. Nor for that matter did I have the strength and energy to plan one. The real problem is that the perpetrator of most of the abuse is an immediate family member. I absolutely could not have this person be a witness to my marriage, or even be in my presence on such a special day. Sadly, this meant to us (at the time) that Clint's family and the rest of my family couldn't be there either. I know that this hurt my dear in-laws and possible some of my family. For that, I am truly sorry.
We were married two years ago on Thanksgiving Day. We had the ceremony in my dad's apple orchard in High Rolls, New Mexico. My dad officiated. We wore jeans. I wore a linen top my mother in law gave me. I carried a bouquet of red silk roses and red geraniums that my aunt made. We took some pictures afterward and then had Thanksgiving dinner. It was very low-key.
Two years of marriage may not qualify me to give advice, but I think we have lived through more in two years that most couples do in a lifetime. So if you don't want to read what I have learned then stop reading here.
I have learned that building a good marriage is incredibly hard work, but it is totally worth it. I have learned that if you and your spouse communicate differently and it's not working, ask for help. We have couples counseling at least twice a month because we communicate on two different levels and it helps us speak each other's language. I have learned that the sexual activity shown in media is not at all how it is in real life. In real life it is awkward and strange at first. It takes practice. Good comes later, and really good comes even later than that. I have learned that neither my husband nor myself are mind readers. Say what is on your mind. I have learned that honesty and kindness are two of the most important ingredients for a strong marriage. Finally, extend grace and forgiveness freely. You will both need a lot of it.
Let me close by speaking to the single women who might be reading this. Go look at the title again. You might have thought that was a typo. It isn't. I want you to remember something. There are no knights in shining armor coming to take you away. But there are dark nights you have to walk through. Don't be afraid of them. They are there to help you grow. Let me say it again, there are no knights. But along the way there are men. Good men who are willing to stand up and put on the armor of God and be there for you. I found mine in God's perfect timing. I can't wait to hear your stories.
